A who’s who of honored guests turns out for Joffrey and Margaery’s wedding in King’s Landing, with gifts given and discarded. Tthe king’s taste in entertainment rubs many of them the wrong way.
Hounds can be heard barking in a forested area, and voices calling as if after game. They call out “Tansy, Tansy”. We see Ramsay and a woman—Myranda—with bows, running through the woods. Following behind at a distance, limping along, is Theon Greyjoy. Then a girl is seen running through the woods, and her pursuers shout after her. Ramsay sends an arrow after her and misses. He yells after her that if she makes it out of the woods, they’ll let her live. Then Myranda looses an arrow, and Tansy manages to leap into a stream bed.
The hounds appear, chasing her along the stream until Myranda sees her and sends another arrow after her. It strikes her in the leg and she screams as the hounds snarl and bark. Ramsay congratulates Myranda, who complains she only wounded her, but he compliments her for bringing her down. He asks “Reek” if it’s a fine shot, and Reek does so. Tansy begs for mercy. Ramsay assures her it will be over soon, as Myranda nocks an arrow and says that Tansy thinks she’s pretty, so she’d like to send an arrow through her face. Ramsay stops her, and Tansy begs for mercy, saying she had done everything Ramsay wanted. Ramsay explains that this made Myranda jealous. Myranda protests angrily. Ramsay finishes by saying that Tansay’s presence has been a problem.. and then sets the hounds to attacking her. As they rip and tear, she screams, and Reek watches, trembling. Myranda remarks that Tansy’s no longer so pretty.
As Pod serves Jaime and Tyrion, Tyrion compliments his brother on his new golden hand. Podrick asks if it’s solid gold, and Tyrion responds that it’s gilded steel. He proceeds to eat, but then complains that no one else is eating: Sansa is wasting away and Jaime is starving himself. Jaime replies that he’s not hungry. Tyrion dismisses him and suggests he try the boar, as Cersei can’t get enough of it since one killed Robert for her. He then proposes a toast, “to the proud Lannister children: the dwarf, the cripple, and the mother of madness.” When Jaime reaches for some of the food, however, he knocks over his cup with his false hand. Tyrion sends Podrick away, and then tells Jaime it’s only wine, pouring out his own cup on the table to make light of it all. He moves to pour Jaime a fresh cup, and Jaime confesses he can’t fight anymore. When Tyrion inquires about his left hand, Jaime says he can hold a sword, but his instincts are all wrong.
Tyrion consoles Jaime, saying that as Lord Commander he can let others fight, and asks him when was the last time Tywin used a sword. Jaime dismisses that, saying that he’s the Kingslayer—when men find out he can’t “slay a pigeon”—Tyrion interrupts him and tells him to find someone who he can train with. Jaime says he needs someone who won’t talk, however, and that makes Tyrion realize he has a proper, discrete swordsman.
Bronn jauntily climbs down steps to the sea, where there’s a flat area. Jaime awaits him. Jaime informs him that his brother tells him that Bronn can keep his mouth shut, which he finds an unusual talent for a sellsword. Bronn replies that Tyrion says Jaime shits gold, just as Tywin. Jaime throws a purse of coins to Bronn, as he asks if the place is safe. Bronn informs him that he’s had his way with a wife of a knight of House Leygood in that same place, and she’s a “screamer”, but no one’s ever heard them at it. Bronn proceeds to admire the Valyrian steel sword Jaime carries, saying he’s never seen one before… but if Jaime fights with an edged blade, Bronn will have to, and if he does that, Jaime won’t live to continue paying him. Bronn offers up sparring swords with dull edges, to which Jaime complains that he hasn’t used one since he was 9-years-old. As Jaime stoops to pick up the sparring sword, Bronn knocks it from his hand. Jaime complains about being attacked when his guard is down… and Bronn replies that’s the best time to do it. The two start to fight, and it’s clear that Jaime is clumsy and awkward with his left, but he presses on.
A troop of horsemen flying the Bolton banner approach a river, and beyond it the Dreadfort, seat of House Bolton. We cut to their entry into the castle as the gates are opened. Lord Bolton and Locke ride in. Ramsay Snow watches, standing in the courtyard, as the rotund Walda Frey—Roose’s new wife—is helped down from her horse. As Ramsay greets his father, Roose introduces Walda to his bastard son. Ramsay says it’s a pleasure, calling her mother as he kisses her on the cheek. Roose has the horses fed and watered, and directs a servant to lead Walda to her chambers. Once she’s gone, Roose asks where Ramsay’s “prize” is. Ramsay replies he’s with the hounds, and Lord Bolton informs him he’ll want to see him. As he moves away, Locke approaches Ramsay, and the two shake hands. They walk together as Ramsay says he heard Locke took a hand from the Kingslayer. Locke remarks that word travels, and then adds that Jaime screamed—and that Ramsay would have loved it.
As Roose Bolton seats himself with a bowl of steaming water next to him, Locke is sharpening a razor blade. Ramsay enters with Reek, who doesn’t dare look up. Roose comes closer to look at him, and asks Ramsay what was done to him. Ramsay replies that he trained him, and that Reek was a slow learner. Lord Bolton supposes Ramsay flayed him, and Ramsay admits he did flay a few bits… and that he “removed a few others”. Roose points out that Reek was Balon Greyjoy’s son and heir. Ramsay replies that the Boltons had been flaying enemies for a thousand years, and that the flayed man is on their banner… but Roose replies that it’s his banner, that Ramsay is not a Bolton but a Snow.
Roose moves to where a large map of the North hangs. He notes Tywin Lannister has given him the North, but will not provide any assistance in the taking of it. So long as the ironborn hold Moat Cailin, no armies can cross the Neck. Turning to Ramsay, Roose tells him that he had intended to trade Theon for Moat Cailin, that he was to be a hostage rather than a plaything. Ramsay notes he had already asked to trade, and Lord Greyjoy refused. Roose interrupts him, and questions his having done so without his consent. At that, Ramsay shoots back that Roose himself had made him acting lord of the Dreadfort, and he acted.
Roose steps up to his son, face to face, and tells him he had to smuggle himself into his own lands because of the Greyjoys. He emphasizes that he needed Theon, and that he needed him whole. “Theon was our enemy,” Ramsay replies, “but Reek… Reek will never betray us.” Roose responds to that with disgust, saying he’s placed too much trust in Ramsay, and turns away. After a moment, Ramsay tells Reek that he’s allowed him to disrespect his father by standing in front of him unshaven. Reek apologizes. Ramsay tells Locke to give Reek the razor, and sits down in the chair his father vacated. Roose’s look shows his questioning of what Ramsay means to do next, but Ramsay replies that if he’s not a Bolton, what does it matter if he’s wrong? Roose nods to Locke, who gives over the razor.
Reek studiously lathers Ramsay’s face and then starts to shave him with care. Ramsay asks him to inform Roose Bolton where Bran and Rickon Stark are, to which Reek replies he doesn’t know. When Roose says that he had murdered him, and displayed their corpses at Winterfell, Ramsay asks Reek if he did in fact murder them. Reek admits to having murdered two farm boys instead, and confirms that he had them burned. At that, Ramsay says to Lord Bolton that the Starks have always ruled the North, and that the northmen will rally to them if they know the boys are alive, “now that Robb Stark is gone.”
Reek stops at that, staring. Ramsay informs him that Robb Stark is dead. He says he knows Robb was like a brother to Reek… but his father put a knife through his heart. Reek trembles, razor against Ramsay’s throat, as Ramsay asks how he feels about that. After a long silence, Reek resumes shaving him. Roose turns to Locke and asks if he’s ready for a hunt. Locke confirms he is, and Roose promises him a thousand acres of land and a holdfast if he finds them. Locke asks Ramsay if Reek has any thoughts on where they went. Reek replies that Jon Snow is at Castle Black. Locke wonders who that is, and Roose replies that he’s their bastard brother and might be sheltering them or knows where they are. Ramsay gets up, cleaning the soap from his face, and adds that even if he doesn’t he could be a threat to the Boltons.
Roose tells Ramsay that if he wishes to prove himself a Bolton, he should take all the men he can gather to Moat Cailin. He suggests he take “this creature of yours”, looking at Reek, suggesting he may be of use. He then tells Ramsay to take Moat Cailin to “our family” and that he’ll reconsider his position if he succeeds.
In King’s Landing, Tyrion and Pod approach Varys. Tyrion asks if he’s breakfasting with the king, and Varys says that foreigners such as himself are not welcome at such affairs. “Oh to be foreign,” Tyrion replies. The two walk aside and Varys reveals that Shae has been seen by Sansa’s maid, who informed Cersei, and that it’s only a matter of time before Tywin knows of it. Tyrion suggests that Varys will tell some clever lie to protect Tyrion’s secret, but Varys refuses. He asks how long he’d be allowed to live if Cersei or Tywin suspected him of lying to them, and he has no pet sellsword to protect him, no legendary brother to avenge him, only his little birds.
“Forgive me if I don’t weep for you,” Tyrion says as he turns away to leave, annoyed, but Varys replies no one weeps for spiders… or whores. That stops Tyrion, who turns back as Varys says he has friends across the sea who could help her. Frustrated, Tyrion says she won’t leave, that he’s told her the city is dangerous so often that she no longer believes him. Varys notes that Tywin has promised to hang the next whore he catches with Tyrion, and that Tywin does not make idle threats. Varys bows and departs.
At the breakfast, Lord Mace Tyrell is proud to present a great golden wedding cup featuring the sigils of the great houses. He hopes that the king and his daughter Margaery will drink deep from it and live long. Joffrey thanks him, and asks if he should call him father. Mace bows and steps back, saying he’d be honored. As the meal continues, Shae serves at table… and Cersei, seeing her, quietly informs Tywin that she is the whore that she has already informed him about. He eyes her, then tells Cersei to have her brought to the Tower of the Hand before the wedding.
Podrick arrives shortly afterward with a great book, that he places on the table. Tyrion stands and presents it, explaining it is Grand Maester Kaeth’s Lives of Four Kings, recounting the reigns of Daeron I the Young Dragon, Baelor I the Blessed, Aegon IV the Unworthy, and Daeron II the Good. He suggests every king should read it. There is an awkward silence, until Tywin looks at Joffrey and Joffrey finally speaks up, saying that now that the war is won they should all find time for wisdom; he solemnly thanks Tyrion. The silence stretches for a time again, then Tyrion resumes his seat. A Kingsguard knigth comes forward with a scabbarded sword, and Tywin stands to announce that it is one of only two Valyrian steel swords in the city. He notes it’s freshly forged in Joffrey’s honor. Joffrey eagerly goes to it, drawing it from its scabbard.
Pycelle warns Joffrey to be careful, that nothing cuts like Valyrian steel, and Joffrey replies, “So they say.” He then turns an starts to slice through the book he just received, chopping it to pieces in a few blows. He stares at Tyrion for a moment, then turns to the crowd, asking what name he should give the sword. Various suggestions are shouted from the crowd, and then one stands out for him: Widow’s Wail. He says he likes it, turning to sheath it as he says that everyone time he uses it it will be like taking off Ned Stark’s head all over again.
Tyrion stares out the balcony in his chamber when Shae enters and approaches happily. He tells her not to. She asks if he wants to have her on the desk instead, and he walks away. She asks what’s wrong with “[her] lion”, and he curtly tells her not to call him that. He then informs her that their friendship cannot continue. “Our friendship?” she asks, disbelieving, but he presses on, saying there’s a ship waiting to carry her to Pentos, where she’ll have a house with servants. Tyrion informs Shae that now that he’s married, he wishes to make sure his suffering wife suffers no more on his account. Shae tries to argue that Sansa does not want him, and that he doesn’t want her, but he speaks over her, saying he needs to do right by Sansa and their children. Shae questions him, asking what he’s afraid of. He denies being afraid, but she presses on, saying that she’s not afraid and they’ll fight them together—
Tyrion interrupts her, saying she is a whore, pushing her away. He can’t love a whore, he can’t have children with a whore. He asks how many men she’s been with, wondering if it’s been 500 or even 5,000. When Shae asks how many whores he’s been with, he admits he’s enjoyed his time with them, and with her, but that time is over. She begins to weep as Tyrion opens the door. Bronn enters to lead her away, as Tyrion says that she’ll have a comfortable life in Pentos. She shakes off Bronn’s hand as he tries to lead him away, and then slaps him before pushing past him. He follows her. As the door shuts, Tyrion angrily knocks a bowl from the table.
On Dragonstone, a crowd is gathered as Melisandre and Stannis oversee a burning of three people. One, a woman, screams in terror as soldiers set torches to the biers beneath them. One man shouts to Stannis, saying that he served him well. The crowd prays to the Lord of Light, led by Melisandre. Selyse prays with them, offering these men to the god, as the man cries out to her, appealing to the fact that she is his sister, but she does not seem to care. He begs her to tell Stannis to save him, but then the flames suddenly surge up as Melisandre finishes her offering prayer, and the victims burn rapidly, screaming. The flames surge up to the night sky for a moment.
Selyse approaches Stannis and asks if he saw their souls being gathered up, as she did. Stannis, frowning heavily, simply turns away. As he and Davos leave together, Davos argues that Lord Florent was his brother by law. To that Stannis replies that Florent was an “infidel”. Davos responds to that noting that he worshiped the gods of his father and the gods of his father before him, the same gods Stannis’s father worshiped. Stannis responds that he refused to tear down the idols of the Seven when he commanded him to do so. When Davos asks how many men and ships Florent had brought to Stannis’s cause, Stannis replies, “A great deal more than you.” That stops Davos cold, as Stannis continues on. Selyse and Melisandre catch up with Davos then, and the queen speaks ecstatically of how their souls were taken up by the Lord of Light, their sins burned away. Davos assures her that he’s certain they’re grateful. He and Melisandre exchange a look as she goes past.
In the citadel, Stannis, Selyse, and Melisandre sit at table, eating dinner. Stannis sniffs at the meat he’s been served and throws it back down on the plate, saying that it smells off. Selyse replies that the larders are almost empty. When Stannis points out that they’re on an island, so they can serve fish, Selyse replies that he hates fish. He retorts that he hates a great many things, but he suffers them all the same. Changing the subject, Selyse turns to Melisandre and speaks of the siege of Storm’s End and they were starving. Stannis had books boiled into soup for Selyse, as the binding is made from horse. She then goes on to tell Melisandre that one morning he shot two seagulls, and she remarks that she’d never tasted anything as good as grilled seagull. She turns to her husband and asks if he remembers, and he replies curtly that of course he does.
When Selyse asks Melisandre if she ever knew true hunger, Melisandre replies that she’s all she knew when she was a child… until the Lord of Light found Melisandre, in any case. After a silence, Selyse then informs them that she’s afraid for Selyse’s soul, to which Melisandre replies that it’s proper for a mother to fear for her child’s soul. Selyse presses on, saying that Shireen is a “stubborn little beast.” Stannis curtly protests that she’s a child, and Selyse accuses him of being misled because he thinks she’s sweet just because she smiles when he visits. He calls her sullen, stubborn, and sinful, and thinks that that’s why the Lord of Light has marked her face. She finishes by saying that she needs the rod. Stannis grates out that she’s his daughter, and Selyse will not strike her. Selyse pauses a moment, and then says it’s as he commands, but perhaps Melisandre could speak to Shireen.
Woken by knocking at her door, Shireen invites Melisandre to enter. Melisandre lights candles as she asks of Shireen’s watched the ceremony on the beach. Shireen replies that she heard it. Melisandre asks if it frightened her, but Shireen instead talks of Ser Axell Florent, her uncle, whom she says had always been kind to her; he, too, was burned. Melisandre informs her that they’re in a better place, cleansed by fire of the sins of the world. Shireen, dubious, notes that they screamed, but Melisandre easily responds that women scream when giving birth, but that afterward they’re filled with joy. “Afterward they aren’t ash and bone,” Shireen replies.
Melisandre supposes Shireen is filled with questions, and that she was much like that herself when she was a child… though she wasn’t a princess, as Shireen is. Shireen notes that Melisandre also wasn’t scarred by greyscale, and Melisandre admits that that is true but that she suffered in other ways. Then she asks what Shireen knows of the gods. She dismisses as “lies and fables” The Seven-Pointed Star, and informs Shireen there are only two gods: the god of light and love and joy, and the god of darkness, evil, and fear who are eternally at war. Shireen asks if this means there are no seven heavens, nor seven hells. To that Melisandre replies that there is only one hell, “the one we live in now.”
We see through a direwolf’s eyes as it stalks a deer in a snowy forest. It plunges at it and brings it down, snarling. And then, suddenly, Bran awakens as Hodor speaks and Meera Reed shakes him. He asks why they’ve woken him, and Meera explains he’d been gone for hours. He replies that he was hungry, but Meera replies they all are. Bran tries to explain that he was just eating, but Jojen stops him and says Summer was eating, and that what the wolf consumes will not give Bran sustenance. Jojen warns Bran against staying too long in Summer’s skin as Meera tries to share some of the bread they have remaining with Bran. He takes away the small portion she gives, and then grabs the rest of the loaf as well as Jojen supposes it must be glorious to be in Summer’s body as he runs, leaps, hunts, and is whole. But he again warns Bran to not stay too long in Summer, that he’ll forget what it is to be human. Meera adds to Jojen’s warning, saying that Bran will forget everyone: his family, his friends, Winterfell, even himself. Meera informs Bran that if they lose him, they lose everything.
Trudging on through the forest after, with Hodor dragging Bran behind him, they see Summer standing before a carved weirwood. Bran has Hodor carry him to the tree. Bran sits before it, and then puts his hand just beneath the carved face. His eyes go white, and he sees a series of visions:
Bran snaps out of it and pulls away from the tree. The Reeds approach as he says that he knows where they msut go.
Bells ring in the Great Sept of Baelor. The crowds are gathered inside and out for the wedding of Joffrey and Margaery. Their respective families are present, looking on approvingly as a choir sings. The High Septon himself weds them before the sight of gods and men. Joffrey is named as being of the Houses Lannister and Baratheon after setting the marriage cloak around her shoulders. As the two kiss, most applaud, though Tyrion does so unenthusiastically. Sansa remarks in a dull voice to Tyrion that they have a new queen. “Better her than you,” Tyrion replies.
Lady Olenna is looking out to sea when Lord Tywin approaches, complaining of the extravagance of the wedding and the wedding feast currently taking place. They argue about it, as Tywin does not care to spend money on “this sort of nonsense.” Lord Mace Tyrell approaches and joins them, but Olenna stops him from interrupting them as they speak. She continues on saying that Olenna’s paid for their share of the festivities, and does not see why he’s complaining. Then Olenna goes on that she’s happy to have his thanks, and she expects she’ll have it again soon as wars are expensive and the Iron Bank will have its due. Tywin claims to not be worried, but Olenna tells him that they both know that Tywin is smarter than that. She goes on to take his arm, saying they’ll go and celebrate young love.
An extravagant outdoor banquet takes place with many performers. Joffrey’s personal arms of the Lannister lion and Baratheon stag appear next to the Tyrell rose. Bronn, Tyrion, and Podrick walk through the feast as Bronn informs Tyrion that he made sure Shae boarded the ship. When Tyrion asks if Bronn saw the ship sail away, he only says that no one knows she’s on it but themselves and Varys. Tyrion asks how he can be sure, and Bronn notes that anyone who followed him without an invitation would never follow anyone else again. Tyrion stops, concerned that Bronn was indeed followed, and the sellsword turns and tells him that Shae is gone. He urges Tyrion to go drink until he believes he’s done the right thing.
Tyrion goes on with Podrick. Behind him come Ellaria and Oberyn. Prince Oberyn says hello, and Tyrion turns to greet him when Oberyn curtly says that he wasn’t greeting him; the pair go past him to where a contortionist shows how flexible she is. Podrick, passing her, recognizes her from when Tyrion paid for several prostitutes for him as a reward for his loyal service.
At the royal table, Joffrey seems bored as a group of musicians perform “The Rains of Castamere.” At the same time, Olenna Tyrell approaches a seated Sansa, telling her she looks exquisite but that the wind has been at her. As she adjusts her hair, she tells her that she was sorry to hear about Robb’s fate. “War is war”, she says, but she wonders what sort of monster would kill a man at a wedding. Tyrion arrives and Lady Olenna notes to him that the feast does not seem so bad as all that. She suggests to Sansa that if Tyrion would be less of a miser, he might be able to afford to bring Sansa to Highgarden, and that it might do her some good to see some of it. She then excuses herself.
As the singer continues with “The Rains of Castamere”, Joffrey grows tired and throws a few coins at him and his fellow performers. The crowd laughs as the men scramble to take up the coins and depart. Margaery whispers to Joffrey that it may be time to make an announcement, and Joffrey stands, calling for everyone’s attention. He announces that the queen would like to speak. Margaery stands and addresses the crowd, informing them that the king decreed that all the leftovers from the feast would be given to the poorest in the city as a way of thanking the gods for bringing an end to the war. The audience is seen clapping, for the most part, though Varys notably does not join in.
Cersei moves up to Margaery, informing her that she’s an example to everyone as she kisses Margaery on the cheek. Elsewhere, Loras Tyrell stands near a great lion head, drinking wine and picking food from a table. He looks to see Oberyn Martell with Elia Sand; Oberyn looks back at him, with apparent interest, which Loras returns. Then Ser Loras turns away only to bump into Ser Jaime Lannister, who happened to position himself behind him. The two talk idly at first, with Jaime complimenting Margaery’s beauty, and then asking if Loras looks forward to his own wedding to Cersei. Ser Loras says he is, and Jaime notes that their respective fathers are both desirous of the marriage, quipping that perhaps they should marry each other. Then Jaime informs Loras that if he did marry Cersei, she’d murder him, and she’d murder any child he gave her as well. Jaime says it’s lucky Ser Loras that none of that will happen, as he won’t marry Cersei… and Ser Loras, after a silence, claps Jaime on the arm and informs him that neither will he. He walks away.
Brienne of Tarth approaches the royal table, and bows to the couple. Cersei, amused, asked if she bowed; Brienne replies she never mastered the curtsy. Joffrey asks if she’s the one who killed Renly, and Margaery informs him that Brienne had nothing to do with it. The king replies that’s a shame, as he’d knight the man who killed “that deviant.” Brienne holds her tongue, and instead presses on to offer her congratulations. She wishes them a long and peaceful reign, and Joffrey impatiently dismisses her. As Brienne leaves, Cersei approaches her, calling her Lady Brienne and informing her that she’s Lord Selwyn Tarth’s daughter and that makes her a lady whether she wants to be or not.
The queen gives her gratitude to Brienne for returning Jaime safely to King’s Landing. The two look at him, and Brienne informs Cersei that Jaime rescued her, as well, more than once. Cersei is surprised, not having heard that one before. She supposes Brienne has many fascinating stories to tell, having been sworn to Renly, than Catelyn Stark, and now this association with Jaime. “It must be exciting,” Cersei suggests, to serve whatever lord or lady she fancies. Brienne corrects her, noting she doesn’t serve Jaime… and Cersei replies, “But you love him.” Brienne is silent at that, as the two women stare at one another. Brienne excuses herself, looks at Jaime, and then leaves. Cersei moves on to where Grand Maester Pycelle is insisting he can help a young lady with some issue, if she comes to his chamber.
The queen says he’ll do no such thing, and sends the young woman off by suggesting she see Qyburn instead. Pycelle, outraged, complains that Qyburn brought shame on the Citadel with his repugnant experiments. Cersei retorts, doubting they’re more repugnant than Pycelle’s fingers on the girl’s thighs. Pycelle defends himself, saying that he’s a learned man, but Cersei informs him that Tyrion sent Pycelle to the black cells for annoying, and he should think on what she could do if he continues to annoy her. She then informs him that he will leave her presence and the wedding immediately, and go to the kitchens and inform them that all leftovers are to be given to the kennels. Pycelle starts to protest, saying that Queen Margaery had already spoken of giving the leftovers to the poor, and Cersei sharply says, “The queen is telling you the leftovers will feed the dogs, or you will.” Pycelle, silenced, leaves.
Dontos juggles poorly before the king, and Margaery seems bored. Joffrey offers a dragon to whoever succeeds in knocking his fool’s hat off, and the crowd throws oranges at Dontos as he scrambles away. Margaery looks on with disgust, until Joffrey looks at her and she quickly feigns amusement.
Tywin and Cersei walk together, as Tywin remarks that Cersei seems to be in a good mood. She confirms that she is, because of small pleasures. The two then meet Prince Oberyn, who introduces Ellaria Sand to them. He remarks that Cersei is now the former queen regent and makes a point of then calling Cersei “Lady Cersei”. Cersei remarks she’s never met a Sand before, which leads to a silence. Ellaria breaks it by saying that they are everywhere in Dorne, and that she has 10,000 brothers and sisters, while Oberyn suggests bastards are born of passion and are not despised in Dorne. Cersei calls that tolerant, but Oberyn goes on to suggest to “Lady Cersei” that it must be a relief to give up her regal duties after so many years. Cersei cuts back, saying that he’ll never know, and that it was a shame his brother Doran, the Prince of Dorne, could not attend. Tywin hopes the gout that afflicts Doran will abate, and Oberyn remarks it’s called “the rich man’s disease” and that it is a wonder that he is not afflicted; Tywin credits the fact that men from his part of the kingdom lead a different lifestyle than those in Dorne.
Oberyn replies that every place has its differences. Some places frown on those of low birth, others consider the rape and murder of women and children distasteful. Oberyn turns to the “former queen regent” and tells her she is fortunate that Myrcella lives in the latter sort of place. There’s a tense silence, until it’s interrupted by Joffrey calling for everyone’s attention, directing them to clear the floor before the royal tables.
Joffrey feels the royal wedding has been too amusing, that it is history, and that all should contemplate history. The large lion’s head at one side of the feast has its mouth lowered, and a red carpet rolls out as Joffrey presents a reenactment of the War of the Five Kings… with dwarves, mounted on false mounts: Joffrey on an antlered lion, Renly on what seems to be a beautiful blond youth, Stannis on Melisandre, Robb Stark on a horse, and Balon Greyjoy on a squid. Dontos watches as some men join the dwarf “kings”, carrying shields and bows. Many laugh and applaud, though Varys is clearly unamused. Joffrey glances to his uncle Tyrion, and it’s plain that Tyrion is also unamused.
When “Renly” presents his backside to the other kings, they mock him as a degenerate, and “Stannis” thrusts his club repeatedly at his buttocks. Neither Margaery nor Loras are amused by the antics, and the Knight of Flowers gets up and abruptly leaves the feast as Olenna looks on disapprovingly at Joffrey. “Joffrey” hits “Stannis” with an arrow, who shouts, “Not wildfire!” As a weeping “Stannis” flees, Tyrion whispers to Podrick that each dwarf should be paid twenty gold dragons when the farce is done… and that he’ll have to find another way to thank the king. Then “Joffrey” and “Robb” charge at another with lances, until “Robb’s” woldhead is knocked off and he falls. Sansa looks on silently, unsmiling. Oberyn Martell is watching her, as is Varys. The dwarf “Joffrey” takes up the wolf-head and thrusts his hips at it a few time, as Joffrey spits with laughter. The farce comes to an end, with the crowd cheering and applauding.
Joffrey offers a champion’s purse.. but then decides that the true champion must defeat all challengers, and suggests Tyrion join in the farce. His uncle stands and replies that one taste of combat was enough, as he’d prefer to keep what he has of his face. He suggests Joffrey fight himself; after all, it’s a “poor imitation” of Joffrey’s own bravery on the field of battle. He suggests Joffrey show everyone how a true king wins his throne, though he warns him that the dwarf “Joffrey” appears to be mad with lust and it’d be a tragedy if Joffrey lost his virtue before the wedding night. A few laugh at that, but most are silent.
Joffrey walks over to Tyrion and empties a cup of wine on his head. Tyrion says it’s a fine vintage, and that it’s a shame that it spilled. Joffrey says it didn’t spill, but then Margaery calls for him to join her as Lord Tyrell is to present his toast. Joffrey does go to her, but wonders how he can toast without wine. He tells Tyrion to serve as his cupbearer, as he’s too cowardly to fight. Tyrion says it’s a great honor, to which Joffrey says it’s not meant as an honor. The Imp moves to take the cup, but Joffrey deliberately drops it, and then kicks it under the table when Tyrion stoops to pick it up. Sansa takes hold of it and hands it to her husband, who then takes it to Joffrey. Then Joffrey complains that the cup is empty, and orders Tyrion to fill it for him. Tyrion does so. Joffrey commands Tyrion to kneel before him, but Tyrion refuses to budge despite several, increasingly sharp commands. Then Margaery stands, and notes that the pie is arriving, breaking the moment and drawing everyone’s attention away.
There are cheers as the great pie is brought forward. Joffrey takes the cup roughly from Tyrion, takes a drink, and then gives it to Magaery who sets it aside. Drawing his sword, he slices the pie, freeing a flock of white doves who fly into the sky. As the pie is carried away again, it can be seen that Widow’s Wail killed one or more of the doves. As slices of pie are brought to the high table, Margaery feeds Joffrey a piece. Tyrion and Sansa try to leave, but Joffrey calls to them, calling Tyrion back. Cersei is clearly amused by the humiliation her son wants to heap on Tyrion, while Tywin looks visibly less so. Tyrion excuses himself, saying he was hoping to change out of his wet clothes, but Joffrey says no as he eats more pie. He asks Tyrion to serve him his wine again, and Tyrion goes to take the goblet from the end of the table and delivers it to Joffrey.
Tyrion again attempts to leave, saying Sansa is tired, but Joffrey again refuses. He then begins to cough, and cough repeatedly. He drinks more wine, but he begins to gasp for breath. Margaery screams that the king is choking. Olenna calls for someone to help the king. Tywin stands, and Cersei rushes up to her son as Jaime pushes men aside as Joffrey falls down to his hands and knees, vomiting up pie and wine. As everyone’s attention is on the king, Dontos comes up beside Sansa and tells her to come with him immediately, that if she wants to live she must leave.
As Joffrey chokes, Cersei pushes Jaime away, telling him not to touch him. She looks on Joffrey’s face, watching him choke to death, blood running from a nostril. Joffrey reaches for Tyrion, who stoops down to look at the goblet that the king dropped, as more blood pours from his nose and his life ends. Cersei weeps… and then blames Tyrion, accusing him of poisoning Joffrey. She orders Tyrion seized, and three of the Kingsguard surround him.